A commentary about sports, media, and interpersonal relationships encountered throughout everyday life.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Fantasy Champion!

BRONX, NY --It was a glorious day. The New York Jets led by Chad Pennington and Thomas Jones trounced the always-fun-to-beat Miami Dolphins. And most of all, Team Fadds claimed the most coveted crown in sports and entertainment today: The Done-Save-Done Championship.

"It was absolutely unbelievable!" exclaimed team GM Brian McFadden, "The feeling that ran through my veins knowing that I beat the beatable is indescribable." After phoning Mike Antineou, the most unstoppable force in sports today, to thank him for a high-octane match-up, McFadden released a letter to the press:

"Mike is a good friend and a great competitor. I have the utmost respect for him as he not only beat, but tanned my ass twice in regular season play. I would also like to thank Matt "McLovin" McDonough for having the most overrated team in the history of fantasy baseball. If it weren't for him, I would have never attained the status of 'Underdogg' going into the play-offs against crazy good teams like Bassett, Coyle, and Umammas. Special thanks to Lou Barricelli for telling me after every pick that I was making the worst picks in the history of baseball drafts. Justin Shackil for looking like Adam LaRoche. And last but not least Bobby Coyle for consistantly telling me that Team Fadds was the most overrated team in the league. Thanks guys."

At 11:00 PM, champaigne bottles popped, brews were cracked, and Nick Swisher took out his favorite bong, "Wesley Pipes," for Team Fadds were the champs! "I am so happy right now," said game MVP Jacoby Ellsbury, "when I got the call on Sunday night, I couldn't contain myself... I actually called Carl Crawford, asked to speak to his groin and thanked it over the phone."

"I made that phone call too," said catcher Mike Piazza, "and by phone call... I mean I went to have a face to face with it mid-week." Crawford sat on the trainer's table across the lockerroom, bottle in hand, ear-to-ear grin on his face, knew that the championship run began with him, the team's first round selection way back in March.

"Carl gave us a great pre-game speech," said Brett Myers, "It inspired me to do something that I've never done before-- save more than one game per week!" This Myers was a different man from the one reporters had seen earlier this week. After Robert "Bobby" Coyle made comments about the teams luck, Myers began to waver. Visibly shook up by the "Future G.M.'s" harsh words, Myers was used until his arm fell off by McFadden, who wanted to "have Myers 'man-up'."

Jermaine Dye and Ichiro Suzuki sat in the corner alone. The were their usual quiet selves, despite a championship win. "I just want to thank Mr. McFadden for relying on me week after week," said Dye, holding back tears, "I know it was a struggle for me this year and..." Ichiro, finishing Dye's tear soaked response: "...he's very happy."

Breaking up the sob fest was Danny Haren, who stumbled into the reporters with a bottles of Grey Goose and Miller High Life in each hand. "Yeeeeahhhh! CHampppiooons BABY!!!! HAHAHa," eclaimed a visibly drunk Haren as he chased a shot of Goose with the champaigne of beers. Coming to his aid was Jamal Lewis (randomly) saying, "Man's gotta get his Goose on," as he followed Harn carrying an semi-automatic.

The scene was a hectic one, but if this reporter can sum up Team Fadds' championship run in only a few words they would be these:

Ezekial 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepards the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengence and FURIOUS anger those who attempt to poison and destory my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord, when I lay my VENGENCE UPON YOU!

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